My pretty Bowie blog is constantly turning into a shitty diary. It’s time I stopped complaining. 

Btw, I’m not dating the guy I wrote about anymore. It’s stupid to pretend for fear of losing the feeling. There’s no feeling at all.

I feel awkward when we talk ‘cause he seems not to care much about what I’m saying. And it blows up everyhting! I have to unfold my mind rather than stay silent, nodding my head and laughing the laudest at his most plain jokes.

I want to be a PARTNER, not a passive recipient of information. 

Therefore, holding hands and kissing softly on the cheek is not sufficient since the process of communication is constantly being undermined without any chance of being drawn up again.

Well, the point is that I’m back to the startline. I don’t need anyone.

The things are moving in an unexpected direction. The boy I was about to date is now left aside because of the other one. MY GOSH IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE. 

I don’t understand anything, I’m scared to say how dreamy the way I feel now is. I don’t want this joy to fade away. Is it really me? 

I can’t help stirring up the memory of the day we first went strolling, and how he took my hand and put it into his pocket. And how we danced and smiled at each other. And how beautiful and warm his grin was. 

Yesterday, we went to a grove together. There was a small wooden playground there, and I sat on the swings and it started singing. And the sky was red with city lights. And he was explaining why the clouds had changed their colour and why the water is blue. Then we went up the hill and walked into the trees, where I felt a bit out of place. And he laughed at my being frightened, and pulled me into his arms.

And he talked about making changes, about people being trapped into their ways of thinking. I’d laugh at this kind of thoughts a month or two ago but now it was completely different. 

What’s most striking is that he’s not the one I’ve always dreamt of. He is not the kind of person who knows much about David Bowie, Jean-Paul Sartre or Stanley Kubrick. He’s a simple guy who cares about real people. And writes me when I stay late, and listens to the music I love, and warms my hands, when they shiver.  

God. 

I want it to have a move. 

I danced with the second guy in the video yesterday. He’s name is Remi and he’s the best leader I’ve ever followed. It was easy to finally relax and start feeling the bounce.

I like his long fingered hands. They are really lovely. 

I don’t want to have anyone by my side. Even the friend I used to have before she’d gone. It’s all forgotten now and I don’t want to come back to the life I had.

I now have a boy to date, though I don’t feel I’m ever going to fall in love with him. But he’s a nice option since he doesn’t require much soul effort to be shared. 

It’s so simple now when I see what sort of relationship with people I really want to have. There’s no hurt anymore. I’m just seeing the things move. 

You’re in your sweet sixty five now. Maintain your lust for life and don’t you ever forget that we need you. Happy Birthday, love.